I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
