I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
So vagazzling was a success
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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