You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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