Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
4 words: hood of his car
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
