i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
