Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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