I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
