i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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