Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
