I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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