1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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