Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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