She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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