Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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