For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
