well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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