Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
