I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
