Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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