Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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