So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
