i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
