he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Dick very happy bro
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