this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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