My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
