You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
