I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Randomize
