I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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