I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
