are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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