Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
