its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
So squirting runs in the family.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
