I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
