she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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