i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
