I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
