The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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