All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Actions speak louder than pants.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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