I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You're a waste of cheezeits
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
