Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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