I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
false alarm. still invincible.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
