Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
