So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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