if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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