Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
