I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
