I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
