There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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