be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
