Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
