So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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