Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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