Welp...herpes.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
