the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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