I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
