Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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