I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Randomize
